So About That Sonic Trailer.....

Please Stop Making Video Game Movies…

A Plea, Written By,

Palmer Gamble

It’s a calm Tuesday, all is well in your life. You decide to pick up your phone and check social media. And there it is… that blue menace. Mouth agape, human teeth and all. It’s the first trailer for the Sonic the “Humanhog” movie. Dude… this movie looks so bad…  like… I don’t know what type of godly intervention the makers of this movie are going to need to make money, but they’re going to need something BIG.

They massacred my boy. And honestly this movies only purpose will be to serve as meme material. I mean there’s already been fan renders of what Sonic would look like if they did him justice, instead of making a 5ft tall humanoid hedgehog hybrid (try saying that 3x fast… gotta go fast… haha…).

I think this movie REALLY exposes the thing about movies made based on video games. They’re made by filmmakers. Not people who have a deep connection with the character, who appreciate the Sega Genesis games. The movie execs will green light the first thing they think will make them some money and think about the consequences 3 months after the movie is released. I mean holy shit… LOOK AT HIM.

Look at his disgusting fucking teeth. His… his little gremlin hands! Whoever made this, just said, well he’s blue and his hands are white (even though he wears gloves), and just said yup thats what Sonic looks like, without even seeing an actual picture of sonic. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HIS LEGS!

So besides the fact he looks like the spawn of some ungodly act, let’s look at the plot of the movie. From what we can tell from the trailer, Sonic has been living underground for a while, running himself out of too many pairs of shoes. (How does he get more shoes? Does he steal them? Is Sonic a thief?) And the next thing we see is what will be his human friend in James Marsden, pulling a gun on the furry monster, tranquilizing him and stuffing him into a duffle bag. Then we get Big Bad, Doctor Eggman, played by Jim Carrey. Who honestly looks like the best part of this movie. And I just want to say, if this movie sets up some kind of Sonic Extended Universe and we see Tails and Knuckles in the same shape as Sonic. We’re in the worst possible computer simulated timeline to ever exist.

If I can say one thing about this movie, it’s most likely going to be, “Don’t see this movie!” but let’s give Sonic a small, microscopic chance shall we?

OVERALL: DON’T WATCH/10